Fast Forward to…

<turns on lights>

<ignores cobwebs and slides Risky-Business style into center of room>

Well, hi there.

It’s been so long, I don’t even know where to begin…So I guess I’ll just throw in some updates and see where that takes me.

I mean, the last couple of years have been a wild ride for everybody, so there’s a lot I don’t need to say. But lemme see if I can condense the last two three (?!?) years into Kate’s Cliff’s Notes (do kids even use these things anymore?)

First – the kids are doing pretty well. My two graduated last May – sadly, without the usual pomp and circumstance (y’all know why, of course.) But they’ve accepted their lot and stepped boldly into adulting, and I’m so proud of those two wonderful creatures that I could just bust open thinking about it. I also miss them terribly, but it’s nice to have people you care about enough to miss, right?

The stepsons have, remarkably, stabilized. Pre-COVID, they struggled with their mental health issues, and depression (and honestly, wedged in some hard-core manipulation, because they’re teenagers, after all) resulting in barely-passing grades and an impressive truancy record. (I think the older one had a 34% attendance rate for one school year. 34%. HOW?!)

Anyway, I’d been (somewhat) silently screaming “REMOTE LEARNING” for months – and now, given no choice in the matter, they’re almost…thriving. The older of the two is actually getting straight As and Bs now. (What’s the best warm-up for the “I Told You So” dance? There are a lot of kicks to the face and I don’t want to pull a hamstring.)

There have been some losses, too. Last November, I lost my father-in-law to prostate cancer. My in-laws are fabulous people…it’s been an adjustment, for sure. My mother-in-law powered through the final months in hospice, and has been filling the long, cold, lonely winter by sorting and cleaning all of the “collections” he had. (He was a jack-of-all-trades, not unlike my dad was. While the piles of stuff, parts, and wood and metal things were impressive, having a major sorting/cleaning/scrapping project while you’re trapped at home isn’t the worst fate, I guess. It’s a project with a goal and something to cast your focus on while you adjust to that new normal.)

I also lost my 3-legged cat, Eileen (get it?!) to what was likely old age. She was over 16 and died from kitty anorexia (ironic, yes?) in December. (And yes, because I’m insane, I promptly adopted a new one, and I have four now. Since you clearly did not ask, I’m including pics of three of them.)

Last February, I almost lost Carrot, the nearly-19-year old orange tabby. He too had anorexia (yeah, I know, man…I’m surrounded) and kidney failure. However, after a short kitty hospital stay (and half of my joke of a retirement account), he’s doing really well. I know he’s of an age where every day is essentially borrowed time…and I am thankful for each one.

Carrot, my old man

We adopted Dave and Stella shortly after Ollie passed a couple of years ago. Stella only likes the hubs, so I don’t have many pics of her. But here’s Dave – he’s a total character and usually steals the show.

Dave, the best cat ever. Yes, I have a favorite.

And here’s Will. Will is an a$$hole. But he’s cute.

Will, purring while plotting your demise

Work-wise, there were losses, too. I’ve actually had <mentally counts> three jobs since I last posted. I left the company I’d been at for five years (because I hated the new CEO, who thought his management skills from 1982 were still pretty valid. No, Steve, they are not) to go work for a startup in a somewhat controversial industry (I’ll let you guess which one. Hint: it wasn’t porn.) After 18 months of 60-ish hour work weeks and a significant toll on my mental health and my marriage (startups be crazy, y’all) I quit to take a role at a quiet, stable consulting company…which was promptly sold nine months later to a Very Big Company. Those of you working in “corporate functions” know exactly what that means – the writing was on the wall that my role would be “centralized.” UGH MAN. Job searching is EXHAUSTING. Fortunately, I landed a new gig and started just two weeks after my prior job ended. (Got to collect a full week of unemployment, too…which is surprisingly lucrative nowadays. I mean, yeah, I could make more money working, but then I have to put on shoes. And pants. And I’d miss watching The Price is Right every day. Boo. Adulting blows.)

So – I think that’s about it. Bye!

Um. Kate. What’s going on with you and…you know, food?

Well. Hmm. <big sigh>

I guess if you’ve read this in the past, you’d be asking about that.

I think part of why I’ve been away for so long was because for a while, food wasn’t the center of my life. Would the experts call that “recovery”? I honestly do not know. I know having a super-stressful job packed some weight on me. (Did it, though?) Okay, maybe it’s more fair to say that while I was working at the startup, I was not spending a lot of time thinking about weight and food. I was kind of…normal. Or at least what I perceive “normal” to be.

But sometime during quarantine/lockdown, I looked at my overly-squishy body and decided it was Time to Do Something. I quietly got back on the 1200-calorie-a-day train, and settled in for the ride.

But I got derailed somewhere between healthy habits and my hometown of decidedly disordered. It was a slow drift, and I couldn’t tell you where things went wrong, or why.

And I’m not sure where that leaves me now.

Early on in this mess (around July-ish) I decided that I wouldn’t be chained to the scale this time. Because, you know, it’s not healthy to weigh yourself multiple times a day! I instead avoided stepping on the scale…at all.

And somewhere along the way, after avoiding the scale for about two months successfully, it started to become a weird kind of…game?

How long can I go without weighing myself?

Won’t it be SUPER COOL to see a big loss all at once, rather than fighting for every half-pound and going through those oh-so-frustrating ups-and-downs of water weight?

Yes, but…when does that mean I can check my weight?

Well…how about you wait until your spouse says something about it? When he actually notices, THEN you MUST have actually made successful progress, and THEN you can step up to the stage!

And this is how it begins. Again.

See, eating disorders are sneaky that way. My food issues know that the hubs doesn’t comment on my weight very often, because 1) he loves me no matter what, and 2) he doesn’t want to trigger disordered behavior. (And also, 3) he knew I was stressed about finding a new job, and didn’t want to pile on stress, because despite our prior issues, he is generally not a d!ck of a person.)

So, hindsight being what it is…this is where the beach turned into quicksand, and by the time anyone noticed I was stuck, I was in deep.

The hubs finally commented about 6 weeks ago. It wasn’t a compliment. He was worried. Very worried.

And while my brain thinks he’s overreacting, and perhaps feeling guilty about not noticing sooner, I do have to confess that I am at the lowest weight I’ve ever been in my entire adult life. I’ve even beat my high-school weight (which was supposedly concerning at that time; back then no one talked about this stuff, so who really knows?)

OK, Kate. Maybe you can work on maintaining your weight. Just for now.

Erm….

So, the thing about that is….well. OK. Let me put it this way. I can see, fairly objectively, that I’m not fat. And I had to buy new pants for work (because my entire wardrobe is ridiculously big now; I spent nearly a year wearing nothing but leggings and yoga pants and was largely oblivious to the fact that my closet was outgrowing me. Moving from a BMI of maybe 22ish almost 23 to one a paper clip and Kleenex above 17 will apparently do that.)

So at this point, do I really want to lose more weight?

No, not really….but….I don’t want to gain weight, either.

And losing weight, even v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y (as happens at this age, coughcoughalmost50andshouldknowbettercough) means you have legit PROOF you’re not gaining weight.

So my current course of action is…do nothing. Wait and see.

The hubs is still checking in on occasion. Cautiously. Tentatively. As if he’s approaching a pot full of boiling water that’s been filled to the brim. He doesn’t want to upset me and make me spill over and sputter and scald and burn, and withdraw and hide things and spiral further.

Which is silly. I am fine. I am OK.

Right?

I mean, I am a productive member of society. My cholesterol is good. I can walk several miles. I can create. I cook and clean. I dress myself. I work full-time, I exercise, and yes, I do eat.

So….

source: KC Green

I’m doing fine. How have you been?

5 thoughts on “Fast Forward to…

  1. Pingback: Canceling the Caustic Contingency | Carrots in My Carryon

  2. Pingback: Strange Dreams are Happenin’ to Me | Carrots in My Carryon

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